this is a notebook that really liked collages

Chimichanga Rap

Deadly Tattoos

Telemarketer Phone Call - I Can't Date 14 Year Olds

TELEMARKETER
Hello my name is Diane and I'm with Americare. We are doing a study in your area regarding HGH. Are you familiar with HGH.

RUSTY
Yeah, I've heard of it. (I have no idea what HGH is).

TELEMARKETER
Yeah, most people have. It's a Human Growth Hormone. Do you experience low energy, take prescription medications, are overweight, or would like to look 10 years younger?

RUSTY
Well, here's my problem. I would really like HGH, but I'm only 24 so if I looked ten years younger I would look like I was 14. So not only would it be harder to get into bars and rated R movies, but I'd have to start dating 14 year old girls again, you know? I can't really do that because I've gotten in trouble for that sort of thing in the past.

TELEMARKETER
Oh...

RUSTY
Yeah, and as far as a lack of energy, I'll usually just drink a Red Bull or do some coke, you know?

TELEMARKETER
Oh, yeah I see. Ok, well have a nice day then.

this is a notebook that really liked college

Taking Drugs For Science - BONUS RAP!

(this rap was written during my final session)

I pee in a cup
Get my blood pressure checked
Haven’t got off in a while so I’m fully erect.
I elect to examine her
“Her” being the examiner
I have a feeling she’d respect my diameter
Should I reveal this plan to her,
Let her know that I’m horny?
She’s not super-hot but most hot girls kinda bore me.
I’d let her floor me with electrodes on my nipples
Do it like a toad, froggy style on my pickle
I’d diddle her middle like a finely tuned fiddle
And we’d solve each other’s bodies like a complicated riddle

‘Cause I’m hot for the examiner and she’s hot for me
She sees my heart beat in the EKG
She takes my urine sample
She’d take my semen if I let her
Lake Michigan is wet
But I’m pretty sure she’s wetter

So she’s a medic in genetics, got a Master’s Degree
But what she really wants to study is my anatomy
Examine me inside and out,
Inch by inch
Give me a full body physical on the waiting room bench
Keep the brain confidential from the Bio Station
There’s a lot of potential for a H.I.P.P.A. violation

‘Cause I’m hot for the examiner and she’s hot for me
She sees my heart beat in the EKG
She takes my urine sample
She’d take my semen if I let her
Lake Michigan is wet
But I’m pretty sure she’s wetter

So this session’s almost over but my erection is not
The lesson learned today is that science is hot
Hot like an overheated robot machine
Is this Love, is it Lust, or perhaps Amphetamine
To tell you the truth, I don’t really know
But I’m high on something and it ain’t placebo
‘Cause the last time I was this turned on was by my sexy pediatrician
Giving me a suppository as Valium lowered my inhibitions
So I’m about to end this rhyme and make my move
Fuck…hold up…I just realized she’s a dude…

‘Cause I’m Not for the examiner
and he’s Not for me
He sees my heart beat in the EKG
He takes my urine sample
But best avoid my sperm
You’d make the same mistake if you saw this dude’s perm

Taking Drugs For Science – Day 4

“Maybe we’ll never go insane. You always said we would. Sometimes I wish we could.”

-The Weakerthans

+00:05
This is my final day of this study. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve taken 8 olive green colored mystery capsules. You will be missed drug study #1. It seems like only yesterday that I felt you on my tongue for the first time. Oh how fast 3 weeks seems to fly by. I will never forget the memories we’ve shared…peeing in cups for you, falling asleep twice that one day. Having more energy than I knew what to do with that other day. Flirting with your researchers. But like all good things in life, it must come to an end. But don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll find other things to keep me entertained. To help me keep my mind off of you…or at least try. I hope you do the same. You’ll find other people to research and you’ll have countless life experiences with them. Don’t let the memories of me slow you down. Examine each of your future research subjects just like they were your first. Don’t be afraid of losing them in the future, just love every moment you have with them like it was your last. Whatever your future brings you, I hope you’re happy. I will never forget you.

So based on process of elimination on my predictions of the last 3 sessions, today I think I got either Valium or placebo. My fingers are crossed for Valium, but I suspect the latter. I’m anxious for my $200 check to come in a couple of weeks because then I get to come discuss the results of my test with them and figure out which drugs I got for sure each day. Plus I’ll have $200.

+01:17
I’m feeling pretty good. Relaxed, thoughtful, happy, and optimistic. It’s very comparable to the first day of the study. If my predictions are correct, the Valium and the placebo have a very similar effect on me. What does this mean? Maybe that I’m a naturally relaxed, happy, optimistic, freethinking person. I have natural Valium in my brain. I like that idea.

+02:15
Just took the cognitive tests. I think this week may have been the best I’ve done. I’m pretty sure I got placebo this session, but I feel really good. This study is really relaxing. In between the tests I get to relax and do whatever I want, which is usually writing and listening to music. Sure, by not having a job I can technically do that often, but here while I’m doing it I don’t feel like I should be doing something else, like looking for a job or trying to meet people. It’s like this is what I’m supposed to be doing at this moment in time, so I can just relax and go with it. It’s an incredible feeling. Something so simple can bring so much peace and happiness. I’m working on figuring out how to bring this feeling to everything I do in life.