Tangential Life

(DISCLAIMER: This entire rap is fictional and in no way based on or inspired by real life events)


Today for lunch I had fried shrimp,
For dinner spicy sushi
I’m hopin’ the fish will counteract the pills so I don’t die like John Belushi
‘cause right now the Percocet has got me floatin’
Re-read what I wrote and
try to decipher if it’s fact or fiction
I’ll leave it up to your jurisdiction
‘cause I’m a liberal Christian
Who would’ve thought it?
And I don’t smoke pot, unless I got it
If you want a D.D. I’ll say “1-2-3 Not It!”
This week I got a job and it’s pretty We Todd It
I’ve been in Chi for 4 months but I’m just getting’ started
And I don’t get carded ‘cause I got facial hair
And when I walk into a bathroom the girls stop and stare
Perhaps it’s the glare off my forehead
That has them beggin’ to hop into my bed
And you can call me sexy or you can call me cocky
You can call my ex-Asian girlfriend and she’ll bring you Pocky
That’s a chocolate covered sugar stick from the Orient
And I’m pretty sure it’s kosher so you can eat it for Lent
Now I’ll repent ahead of time for the direction of this rhyme
But it’s about to get dirty
I gotta get this sophomoric shit out before I turn 30
A little earlier I mentioned my Asian ex
Well that was a half lie
This is where it gets complex
It was a half lie ‘cause she was only half Asian
She had a half slated eye, the other half Caucasian
The lips of an angel and a clit like a raisin
And the sex wasn’t bad but it wasn’t amazin’
“So why,” you might ask “did the relationship fail?
Was she too yellow?
Were you too pale?”
Well now it’s time for the truth to be told,
Perhaps she was too warm, perhaps I was too cold
Perhaps she wanted too much, perhaps I gave too little
But those were all surface problems, I haven’t gotten to the middle.
Now don’t get me wrong, she was sweet as a Skittle
But Skittles for every meal would make you nauseous
Now I’m about to reveal something pretty colossus
‘cause when it rains,
You know that it poors
And when she sleeps,
You know that she snores
But again that’s not the point that I’m tryin’ to push
So I’ll shut up and stop beating around the bush
I thought the half Asian-Caucasian mix was pretty radical
But I couldn’t handle that her vagina was diagonal.
So I’m almost to the end I hope I didn’t offend
If I did than you can delete me as a friend.
And honestly I think it’s hot if you’re bi-racial
And feel free to call me up the next time you want a facial
So I’m done with this rap, I hope it makes me famous like Chuck Norris
PS. I’m sorry that I forgot to write a chorus

Being Gay Is Now Cooler Than Ever

By Rusty Rutherford

National Coming Out Day was originally created as an internationally-observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) issues. But some liberal-extremists, or super-gays as they’re known among their queers, are taking what even many liberals consider to be over-the-top actions.

On July 24th this past summer, a group of nearly two-dozen super-gays showed up outside of the outdoor wedding of Tina and Richard Conoly of Tucson Arizona. The group was boasting signs with bold messages such as “Obama Hates Straights” and “Heteros Caused Dancing With The Stars.” Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Conoly could be reached for an interview, but we did manage to get a few words from the father of the groom.

“What [the super-gays] did at my son’s wedding was very under appropriate and disrespectable,” Gene Conoly claims. “It was a very difficult day for my son, knowing from that moment on he could never sleep with another woman again with ease. He did not need the added pressure of the left wingers.”

Gene’s wife put her hands on her hips and shook here head back and forth with pouted lips.

Illinois Democrat Susun Patters agrees that the wedding fiasco was too much. “These people claiming to be Liberals are giving a bad name to all the other Liberals out there. Although I don’t necessarily agree with heterosexuality, saying Obama hates all straights is going a bit too far. Barack Obama loves all minorities equally.”

The straight-bashing attacks aren’t only happening to adults. Many students, some as young as eight, are being teased and peer-pressured, even within the loving arms of public schools.

“They called me names like straight-lord and boob lover,” fourth grader Michael Armstrong admits through teary eyes. “One kid told me to go back to Mexico.” When asked if he was from Mexico, Armstrong replied “No, but there’s supposed to be a lot of straight people there.”

Nevin Platt Middle School 8th grader Philip Santana came out of the closest last year on National Coming Out Day, even though he did not feel he was attracted to the same sex.

“The popular gay kids told me if I didn’t come out of the closet they wouldn’t play pogs with me,” Santana stammered with a forced lisp. “I’m not really sure what pogs are, but I think they might be the next big thing. I don’t want to miss out on the next Internet just because I’m a stiff-wrist.”

Only time will tell if the recent gay trend will continue to grow in popularity even through the rough economy.