(DISCLAIMER: This entire rap is fictional and in no way based on or inspired by real life events)
Today for lunch I had fried shrimp,
For dinner spicy sushi
I’m hopin’ the fish will counteract the pills so I don’t die like John Belushi
‘cause right now the Percocet has got me floatin’
Re-read what I wrote and
try to decipher if it’s fact or fiction
I’ll leave it up to your jurisdiction
‘cause I’m a liberal Christian
Who would’ve thought it?
And I don’t smoke pot, unless I got it
If you want a D.D. I’ll say “1-2-3 Not It!”
This week I got a job and it’s pretty We Todd It
I’ve been in Chi for 4 months but I’m just getting’ started
And I don’t get carded ‘cause I got facial hair
And when I walk into a bathroom the girls stop and stare
Perhaps it’s the glare off my forehead
That has them beggin’ to hop into my bed
And you can call me sexy or you can call me cocky
You can call my ex-Asian girlfriend and she’ll bring you Pocky
That’s a chocolate covered sugar stick from the Orient
And I’m pretty sure it’s kosher so you can eat it for Lent
Now I’ll repent ahead of time for the direction of this rhyme
But it’s about to get dirty
I gotta get this sophomoric shit out before I turn 30
A little earlier I mentioned my Asian ex
Well that was a half lie
This is where it gets complex
It was a half lie ‘cause she was only half Asian
She had a half slated eye, the other half Caucasian
The lips of an angel and a clit like a raisin
And the sex wasn’t bad but it wasn’t amazin’
“So why,” you might ask “did the relationship fail?
Was she too yellow?
Were you too pale?”
Well now it’s time for the truth to be told,
Perhaps she was too warm, perhaps I was too cold
Perhaps she wanted too much, perhaps I gave too little
But those were all surface problems, I haven’t gotten to the middle.
Now don’t get me wrong, she was sweet as a Skittle
But Skittles for every meal would make you nauseous
Now I’m about to reveal something pretty colossus
‘cause when it rains,
You know that it poors
And when she sleeps,
You know that she snores
But again that’s not the point that I’m tryin’ to push
So I’ll shut up and stop beating around the bush
I thought the half Asian-Caucasian mix was pretty radical
But I couldn’t handle that her vagina was diagonal.
So I’m almost to the end I hope I didn’t offend
If I did than you can delete me as a friend.
And honestly I think it’s hot if you’re bi-racial
And feel free to call me up the next time you want a facial
So I’m done with this rap, I hope it makes me famous like Chuck Norris
PS. I’m sorry that I forgot to write a chorus
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Being Gay Is Now Cooler Than Ever
By Rusty RutherfordOn July 24th this past summer, a group of nearly two-dozen super-gays showed up outside of the outdoor wedding of Tina and Richard Conoly of Tucson Arizona. The group was boasting signs with bold messages such as “Obama Hates Straights” and “Heteros Caused Dancing With The Stars.” Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Conoly could be reached for an interview, but we did manage to get a few words from the father of the groom.
“What [the super-gays] did at my son’s wedding was very under appropriate and disrespectable,” Gene Conoly claims. “It was a very difficult day for my son, knowing from that moment on he could never sleep with another woman again with ease. He did not need the added pressure of the left wingers.”
Gene’s wife put her hands on her hips and shook here head back and forth with pouted lips.
Illinois Democrat Susun Patters agrees that the wedding fiasco was too much. “These people claiming to be Liberals are giving a bad name to all the other Liberals out there. Although I don’t necessarily agree with heterosexuality, saying Obama hates all straights is going a bit too far. Barack Obama loves all minorities equally.”
The straight-bashing attacks aren’t only happening to adults. Many students, some as young as eight, are being teased and peer-pressured, even within the loving arms of public schools.
“They called me names like straight-lord and boob lover,” fourth grader Michael Armstrong admits through teary eyes. “One kid told me to go back to Mexico.” When asked if he was from Mexico, Armstrong replied “No, but there’s supposed to be a lot of straight people there.”
Nevin Platt Middle School 8th grader Philip Santana came out of the closest last year on National Coming Out Day, even though he did not feel he was attracted to the same sex.
“The popular gay kids told me if I didn’t come out of the closet they wouldn’t play pogs with me,” Santana stammered with a forced lisp. “I’m not really sure what pogs are, but I think they might be the next big thing. I don’t want to miss out on the next Internet just because I’m a stiff-wrist.”
Only time will tell if the recent gay trend will continue to grow in popularity even through the rough economy.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Telemarketer Phone Call - I Can't Date 14 Year Olds
TELEMARKETER
Hello my name is Diane and I'm with Americare. We are doing a study in your area regarding HGH. Are you familiar with HGH.
RUSTY
Yeah, I've heard of it. (I have no idea what HGH is).
TELEMARKETER
Yeah, most people have. It's a Human Growth Hormone. Do you experience low energy, take prescription medications, are overweight, or would like to look 10 years younger?
RUSTY
Well, here's my problem. I would really like HGH, but I'm only 24 so if I looked ten years younger I would look like I was 14. So not only would it be harder to get into bars and rated R movies, but I'd have to start dating 14 year old girls again, you know? I can't really do that because I've gotten in trouble for that sort of thing in the past.
TELEMARKETER
Oh...
RUSTY
Yeah, and as far as a lack of energy, I'll usually just drink a Red Bull or do some coke, you know?
TELEMARKETER
Oh, yeah I see. Ok, well have a nice day then.
Hello my name is Diane and I'm with Americare. We are doing a study in your area regarding HGH. Are you familiar with HGH.
RUSTY
Yeah, I've heard of it. (I have no idea what HGH is).
TELEMARKETER
Yeah, most people have. It's a Human Growth Hormone. Do you experience low energy, take prescription medications, are overweight, or would like to look 10 years younger?
RUSTY
Well, here's my problem. I would really like HGH, but I'm only 24 so if I looked ten years younger I would look like I was 14. So not only would it be harder to get into bars and rated R movies, but I'd have to start dating 14 year old girls again, you know? I can't really do that because I've gotten in trouble for that sort of thing in the past.
TELEMARKETER
Oh...
RUSTY
Yeah, and as far as a lack of energy, I'll usually just drink a Red Bull or do some coke, you know?
TELEMARKETER
Oh, yeah I see. Ok, well have a nice day then.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Taking Drugs For Science - BONUS RAP!
(this rap was written during my final session)
I pee in a cup
Get my blood pressure checked
Haven’t got off in a while so I’m fully erect.
I elect to examine her
“Her” being the examiner
I have a feeling she’d respect my diameter
Should I reveal this plan to her,
Let her know that I’m horny?
She’s not super-hot but most hot girls kinda bore me.
I’d let her floor me with electrodes on my nipples
Do it like a toad, froggy style on my pickle
I’d diddle her middle like a finely tuned fiddle
And we’d solve each other’s bodies like a complicated riddle
‘Cause I’m hot for the examiner and she’s hot for me
She sees my heart beat in the EKG
She takes my urine sample
She’d take my semen if I let her
Lake Michigan is wet
But I’m pretty sure she’s wetter
So she’s a medic in genetics, got a Master’s Degree
But what she really wants to study is my anatomy
Examine me inside and out,
Inch by inch
Give me a full body physical on the waiting room bench
Keep the brain confidential from the Bio Station
There’s a lot of potential for a H.I.P.P.A. violation
‘Cause I’m hot for the examiner and she’s hot for me
She sees my heart beat in the EKG
She takes my urine sample
She’d take my semen if I let her
Lake Michigan is wet
But I’m pretty sure she’s wetter
So this session’s almost over but my erection is not
The lesson learned today is that science is hot
Hot like an overheated robot machine
Is this Love, is it Lust, or perhaps Amphetamine
To tell you the truth, I don’t really know
But I’m high on something and it ain’t placebo
‘Cause the last time I was this turned on was by my sexy pediatrician
Giving me a suppository as Valium lowered my inhibitions
So I’m about to end this rhyme and make my move
Fuck…hold up…I just realized she’s a dude…
‘Cause I’m Not for the examiner
and he’s Not for me
He sees my heart beat in the EKG
He takes my urine sample
But best avoid my sperm
You’d make the same mistake if you saw this dude’s perm
Get my blood pressure checked
Haven’t got off in a while so I’m fully erect.
I elect to examine her
“Her” being the examiner
I have a feeling she’d respect my diameter
Should I reveal this plan to her,
Let her know that I’m horny?
She’s not super-hot but most hot girls kinda bore me.
I’d let her floor me with electrodes on my nipples
Do it like a toad, froggy style on my pickle
I’d diddle her middle like a finely tuned fiddle
And we’d solve each other’s bodies like a complicated riddle
‘Cause I’m hot for the examiner and she’s hot for me
She sees my heart beat in the EKG
She takes my urine sample
She’d take my semen if I let her
Lake Michigan is wet
But I’m pretty sure she’s wetter
So she’s a medic in genetics, got a Master’s Degree
But what she really wants to study is my anatomy
Examine me inside and out,
Inch by inch
Give me a full body physical on the waiting room bench
Keep the brain confidential from the Bio Station
There’s a lot of potential for a H.I.P.P.A. violation
‘Cause I’m hot for the examiner and she’s hot for me
She sees my heart beat in the EKG
She takes my urine sample
She’d take my semen if I let her
Lake Michigan is wet
But I’m pretty sure she’s wetter
So this session’s almost over but my erection is not
The lesson learned today is that science is hot
Hot like an overheated robot machine
Is this Love, is it Lust, or perhaps Amphetamine
To tell you the truth, I don’t really know
But I’m high on something and it ain’t placebo
‘Cause the last time I was this turned on was by my sexy pediatrician
Giving me a suppository as Valium lowered my inhibitions
So I’m about to end this rhyme and make my move
Fuck…hold up…I just realized she’s a dude…
‘Cause I’m Not for the examiner
and he’s Not for me
He sees my heart beat in the EKG
He takes my urine sample
But best avoid my sperm
You’d make the same mistake if you saw this dude’s perm
Taking Drugs For Science – Day 4
“Maybe we’ll never go insane. You always said we would. Sometimes I wish we could.”
-The Weakerthans
+00:05
This is my final day of this study. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve taken 8 olive green colored mystery capsules. You will be missed drug study #1. It seems like only yesterday that I felt you on my tongue for the first time. Oh how fast 3 weeks seems to fly by. I will never forget the memories we’ve shared…peeing in cups for you, falling asleep twice that one day. Having more energy than I knew what to do with that other day. Flirting with your researchers. But like all good things in life, it must come to an end. But don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll find other things to keep me entertained. To help me keep my mind off of you…or at least try. I hope you do the same. You’ll find other people to research and you’ll have countless life experiences with them. Don’t let the memories of me slow you down. Examine each of your future research subjects just like they were your first. Don’t be afraid of losing them in the future, just love every moment you have with them like it was your last. Whatever your future brings you, I hope you’re happy. I will never forget you.
So based on process of elimination on my predictions of the last 3 sessions, today I think I got either Valium or placebo. My fingers are crossed for Valium, but I suspect the latter. I’m anxious for my $200 check to come in a couple of weeks because then I get to come discuss the results of my test with them and figure out which drugs I got for sure each day. Plus I’ll have $200.
+01:17
I’m feeling pretty good. Relaxed, thoughtful, happy, and optimistic. It’s very comparable to the first day of the study. If my predictions are correct, the Valium and the placebo have a very similar effect on me. What does this mean? Maybe that I’m a naturally relaxed, happy, optimistic, freethinking person. I have natural Valium in my brain. I like that idea.
+02:15
Just took the cognitive tests. I think this week may have been the best I’ve done. I’m pretty sure I got placebo this session, but I feel really good. This study is really relaxing. In between the tests I get to relax and do whatever I want, which is usually writing and listening to music. Sure, by not having a job I can technically do that often, but here while I’m doing it I don’t feel like I should be doing something else, like looking for a job or trying to meet people. It’s like this is what I’m supposed to be doing at this moment in time, so I can just relax and go with it. It’s an incredible feeling. Something so simple can bring so much peace and happiness. I’m working on figuring out how to bring this feeling to everything I do in life.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Taking Drugs For Science - Day 3
+00:06
I already have a feeling I got the amphetamine today. Not necessarily because I have a lot of energy, that’s probably just due to finally getting enough sleep and Ch-Check It Out by the Beastie Boys playing on my iPod. It’s more just a process of elimination thing. 2 sessions down and 2 to go and I’m almost positive I haven’t had the upper yet.
So I filled out the first “How Are You Feeling Now?” survey and discovered I’m in a really good mood today. (This was before I’d taken any capsules.) Turns out a lot of things can affect you like a drug. Music is one for sure, but today I didn’t listen to music on the train ride here. Instead I listened to a book on tape, audio-book to be politically correct (I don’t want to offend any cassettes). I realized I can “read” so many books on my countless train rides. Last night and this morning I’ve been listening to “How To Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnagy. Regardless of how it may sound, I’m not really reading this to help make friends in the new city. That’s not really what it’s about. It’s more a book about interpersonal communication. So far if I had to rename the book I think I’d call it “How to get what you want from people by Giving them what they want.” That’s a long title, but it seems fitting. The 1st chapter talked about how you shouldn’t criticize people because it will only cause them to become defensive. The 2nd chapter’s about how you should tell people when they’re doing something good or right. All too often the good things people do, even if they’re noticed, go unmentioned. It advises against “flatter” because this is usually an attempt to give some one a generic compliment for your own benefits.
+00:40
Instead you should look at them honestly and discover their good qualities, which everyone has, then you can give them genuine compliments.
Anyway, it’s a good book with a lot of good historical examples to show what he’s talking about in real life instances. The hour and a half I’ve listened to so far has already encouraged me to try and better myself and my people skills, for lack of a better term. While feeling out the “How Do You Feel Now” survey, I realized what a good mood I’m in. Sure part of it’s probably do to being well rested, getting out of the apartment, the little bit of coffee I drank this morning, and the awesome week I had hanging out with Lisa, Shea, Norm, and Karl, but I also think a large part of my current optimistic mood came from this book that I was (fake) reading.
Reading Is My Anti-Drug! (But I enjoy reading much more when I’m on drugs…just kidding)
I feel way better than I did during the last session. Pretty much the exact opposite. Awake, energetic, and “full-of-pep” as the survey puts it. The problem is I never really know if it’s because of the capsules I’m taking or the mood I was already in. Oh well, I guess that’s not really a problem.
+01:10
It’s the Upper! Like I say, I was well rested and semi-energetic anyway, but nonetheless I feel this is the most sure I’ve been of any of the 3 studies. At the end of the 4 sessions I find out what I took each session and if this is placebo I’ll admit I’m wrong and actually feel good that I feel this “Up” on placebo, but I would bet money that this is no placebo.
Hellogoodbye’s “All of your Love” is playing on my iPod. This is the perfect kind of music for how I’m feeling right now…but then again, I felt the same way when DMX or the Beastie Boys, or now Eminem came on…pretty much anything upbeat. Oh man, this is awesome. Fuck This Is Awesome! Don’t think I’m some druggy. I’m doing this all legally…AND getting paid for it! Man, being unemployed is awesome. I’ve said that aa lot this week. 2 separate occasions I was laying in the sun on the beach. Once with Karl, once with Lisa. Lisa was cuter. Speaking of Lisa and Hellogoodbye, we’re going to see them in Albuquerque next month! That’s right, you heard it here first. I’m flying in next month for my sister Rachel’s Birthday. She said she’d pay for my flight to have her little brother there on her birthday. I love that girl. I love all the people in that family (my family). Enough Love talk, it’s starting to sound like I’m on ecstasy. That wasn’t one of the drugs they were testing.
+01:43
So I just finished the cognitive and reaction time puzzles for this session. I think I did pretty well. Nothing too incredible, but perhaps slightly better than usual. Definitely better than last week. The effect from the capsules are wearing off. I’m not as hyper and energetic, but I still feel pretty good. My head’s tingling a little bit. Goodbye Upper. You will be missed.
I already have a feeling I got the amphetamine today. Not necessarily because I have a lot of energy, that’s probably just due to finally getting enough sleep and Ch-Check It Out by the Beastie Boys playing on my iPod. It’s more just a process of elimination thing. 2 sessions down and 2 to go and I’m almost positive I haven’t had the upper yet.
So I filled out the first “How Are You Feeling Now?” survey and discovered I’m in a really good mood today. (This was before I’d taken any capsules.) Turns out a lot of things can affect you like a drug. Music is one for sure, but today I didn’t listen to music on the train ride here. Instead I listened to a book on tape, audio-book to be politically correct (I don’t want to offend any cassettes). I realized I can “read” so many books on my countless train rides. Last night and this morning I’ve been listening to “How To Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnagy. Regardless of how it may sound, I’m not really reading this to help make friends in the new city. That’s not really what it’s about. It’s more a book about interpersonal communication. So far if I had to rename the book I think I’d call it “How to get what you want from people by Giving them what they want.” That’s a long title, but it seems fitting. The 1st chapter talked about how you shouldn’t criticize people because it will only cause them to become defensive. The 2nd chapter’s about how you should tell people when they’re doing something good or right. All too often the good things people do, even if they’re noticed, go unmentioned. It advises against “flatter” because this is usually an attempt to give some one a generic compliment for your own benefits.
+00:40
Instead you should look at them honestly and discover their good qualities, which everyone has, then you can give them genuine compliments.
Anyway, it’s a good book with a lot of good historical examples to show what he’s talking about in real life instances. The hour and a half I’ve listened to so far has already encouraged me to try and better myself and my people skills, for lack of a better term. While feeling out the “How Do You Feel Now” survey, I realized what a good mood I’m in. Sure part of it’s probably do to being well rested, getting out of the apartment, the little bit of coffee I drank this morning, and the awesome week I had hanging out with Lisa, Shea, Norm, and Karl, but I also think a large part of my current optimistic mood came from this book that I was (fake) reading.
Reading Is My Anti-Drug! (But I enjoy reading much more when I’m on drugs…just kidding)
I feel way better than I did during the last session. Pretty much the exact opposite. Awake, energetic, and “full-of-pep” as the survey puts it. The problem is I never really know if it’s because of the capsules I’m taking or the mood I was already in. Oh well, I guess that’s not really a problem.
+01:10
It’s the Upper! Like I say, I was well rested and semi-energetic anyway, but nonetheless I feel this is the most sure I’ve been of any of the 3 studies. At the end of the 4 sessions I find out what I took each session and if this is placebo I’ll admit I’m wrong and actually feel good that I feel this “Up” on placebo, but I would bet money that this is no placebo.
Hellogoodbye’s “All of your Love” is playing on my iPod. This is the perfect kind of music for how I’m feeling right now…but then again, I felt the same way when DMX or the Beastie Boys, or now Eminem came on…pretty much anything upbeat. Oh man, this is awesome. Fuck This Is Awesome! Don’t think I’m some druggy. I’m doing this all legally…AND getting paid for it! Man, being unemployed is awesome. I’ve said that aa lot this week. 2 separate occasions I was laying in the sun on the beach. Once with Karl, once with Lisa. Lisa was cuter. Speaking of Lisa and Hellogoodbye, we’re going to see them in Albuquerque next month! That’s right, you heard it here first. I’m flying in next month for my sister Rachel’s Birthday. She said she’d pay for my flight to have her little brother there on her birthday. I love that girl. I love all the people in that family (my family). Enough Love talk, it’s starting to sound like I’m on ecstasy. That wasn’t one of the drugs they were testing.
+01:43
So I just finished the cognitive and reaction time puzzles for this session. I think I did pretty well. Nothing too incredible, but perhaps slightly better than usual. Definitely better than last week. The effect from the capsules are wearing off. I’m not as hyper and energetic, but I still feel pretty good. My head’s tingling a little bit. Goodbye Upper. You will be missed.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Taking Drugs for Science - Day 2
+00:04 (That means it’s 4 minutes after I swallowed the capsules)
6:00am is very early, especially when you’re unemployed and used to staying up until 4:00am each night and sleeping in until your roommate starts watching clips from live musicals on YouTube in the next room, usually between noon and 2:00pm. That’s sorta become my alarm. Except for today, when I set the real alarm on my pone to 6:30am. I had to be here at the DeWit Lab by 9:00, and it’s about a 2-hour train, train, bus ride. I tried to go to bed early, but I didn’t’ manage to actually get into bed and turn my lights out until about 2:00 last night (this morning, whatever). I woke up this morning to a fully illuminated room. I grabbed my phone, freaking out that maybe my alarm hadn’t gone off. It was 5:50am. Whew. I rolled back over and promptly fell back to sleep. I dreamed that some one who had a personal vendetta with Tom Green set up an elaborate Saw-like scenario in which a peacock entered a booby trapped warehouse and had to slaughter Tom Green’s dog in order to save its own life. Luckily, Tom arrived at the warehouse at the same time the peacock did and made the two animals make-out instead. The audience’s applause woke me up. I checked the clock again. 7:15am. Crap! This time my alarm really hadn’t gone off. I leaped out of bed and threw on some jeans, a clean but wrinkled grey shirt, and my new grey and charcoal K-Swiss! I sped-walked to the L Train. (By “sped-walked” I mean walked fast, not walked like a sped.) Luckily I somehow managed to make it to the lab at precisely 9:00am, without a minute to spare. I’m pretty tired. I kinda hope I just took an amphetamine. I could use a little pep.
+00:36
What does “bushed” mean?! The survey about my mood asks how “bushed” I feel. I feel like I should know what it means but I don’t. I just click “A Little” which is like a 2 on a scale from 1-5. “I feel a little bushed.” Does it mean hated? Like George W. Bush. Maybe bullied? Like two bigger kids throwing you in a bush. Maybe I just went down on a girl. Why don’t they just ask that? “How much do you feel like you just went down on a girl?” A little. It’s too late to ask what it means. I’ve already answered the question too many times. Oh well, I guess I’ll just keep checking “A Little” and look it up when I get home.
I’m gonna watch “10 Things I Hate About You” now.
-Julia Styles is Hot
-I miss Heath Ledger
-I missed a free Bare Naked Ladies concert this weekend. Lame.
-This guy looks so much older in Brick.
-She’s cute too. I forget her name. The Bianca girl. I don’t know which girl in this movie is cuter. I think that’s part of the reason I like it so much.
+01:08
Right now if I had to guess, I would guess alcohol. But how do they do that with capsules? Well, it is science, I guess I shouldn’t question it.
{That’s all I wrote that session, because I ended up falling asleep during 10 Things I Hate About You. When the examiners opened the door to my room I jumped up because I didn’t want them to down I was sleeping. I think I fooled them…the first time. As soon as the left I crashed again, and when they came back I was much slower pulling myself up. I felt a little crappy for the rest of the session and did terrible on the reaction time and cognitive tests. On the train ride home I could barely stay awake, and as soon as I got home I went to sleep for 4 or 5 hours}
6:00am is very early, especially when you’re unemployed and used to staying up until 4:00am each night and sleeping in until your roommate starts watching clips from live musicals on YouTube in the next room, usually between noon and 2:00pm. That’s sorta become my alarm. Except for today, when I set the real alarm on my pone to 6:30am. I had to be here at the DeWit Lab by 9:00, and it’s about a 2-hour train, train, bus ride. I tried to go to bed early, but I didn’t’ manage to actually get into bed and turn my lights out until about 2:00 last night (this morning, whatever). I woke up this morning to a fully illuminated room. I grabbed my phone, freaking out that maybe my alarm hadn’t gone off. It was 5:50am. Whew. I rolled back over and promptly fell back to sleep. I dreamed that some one who had a personal vendetta with Tom Green set up an elaborate Saw-like scenario in which a peacock entered a booby trapped warehouse and had to slaughter Tom Green’s dog in order to save its own life. Luckily, Tom arrived at the warehouse at the same time the peacock did and made the two animals make-out instead. The audience’s applause woke me up. I checked the clock again. 7:15am. Crap! This time my alarm really hadn’t gone off. I leaped out of bed and threw on some jeans, a clean but wrinkled grey shirt, and my new grey and charcoal K-Swiss! I sped-walked to the L Train. (By “sped-walked” I mean walked fast, not walked like a sped.) Luckily I somehow managed to make it to the lab at precisely 9:00am, without a minute to spare. I’m pretty tired. I kinda hope I just took an amphetamine. I could use a little pep.
+00:36
What does “bushed” mean?! The survey about my mood asks how “bushed” I feel. I feel like I should know what it means but I don’t. I just click “A Little” which is like a 2 on a scale from 1-5. “I feel a little bushed.” Does it mean hated? Like George W. Bush. Maybe bullied? Like two bigger kids throwing you in a bush. Maybe I just went down on a girl. Why don’t they just ask that? “How much do you feel like you just went down on a girl?” A little. It’s too late to ask what it means. I’ve already answered the question too many times. Oh well, I guess I’ll just keep checking “A Little” and look it up when I get home.
I’m gonna watch “10 Things I Hate About You” now.
-Julia Styles is Hot
-I miss Heath Ledger
-I missed a free Bare Naked Ladies concert this weekend. Lame.
-This guy looks so much older in Brick.
-She’s cute too. I forget her name. The Bianca girl. I don’t know which girl in this movie is cuter. I think that’s part of the reason I like it so much.
+01:08
Right now if I had to guess, I would guess alcohol. But how do they do that with capsules? Well, it is science, I guess I shouldn’t question it.
{That’s all I wrote that session, because I ended up falling asleep during 10 Things I Hate About You. When the examiners opened the door to my room I jumped up because I didn’t want them to down I was sleeping. I think I fooled them…the first time. As soon as the left I crashed again, and when they came back I was much slower pulling myself up. I felt a little crappy for the rest of the session and did terrible on the reaction time and cognitive tests. On the train ride home I could barely stay awake, and as soon as I got home I went to sleep for 4 or 5 hours}
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Chilling on the Curb - Craigs List style
friends, thats all - w4m (Chicago)
Reply to: pers-krhxg-1234643510@
Date: 2009-06-22, 6:03PM CDT
Normally people browse the strictly platonic section looking for true friendship. (that is why I'm here)
Other people browse these ads because they are looking for a woman who think they are easy to give it up, even though they are just looking for friends. That is totally not me.
I am seeking an intelligent african american guy who is mature, laid back, and doing something positive with their life. I don't mind if you have kids because I love them so much. But I am also looking for real true friendship from a guy. That seems so hard to find these days. Looking for someone who doesnt mind talking on the phone, chilling at the crib, watching a movie, and going out sometimes. I hope to find a guy who can give me true friendship without trying to get in my jeans. If you don't know the meaning of true friendship or you aren't trying to offer that, please don't waste my time.
So I am around 5'9 and a light skin aa female who is a couple years shy of 30 and very mature for my age.
Please do not send me a picture of what you think I am looking for(your private). Once again, I posted in the friendship section for a reason. Also don't send me a link to your website or whatever.
You should be almost all, if not all, I described above. Plus you should be no older than 35 and free of the games and drama.
- Location: Chicago
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
ME:
Hello. I was just browsing the strictly platonic section of
craigslist looking for true friendship and I came across your post.
I am an intlagent Caucasian with no children. I don't mind talking on
the phone or chilling at the curb, watching a movie, maybe going out
sometimes. I noticed aa on your page and that's great because they
have helped a lot of people. I have been sober for 16 months and only
drink occasionally but I won't around you. I am willing to send a
picture if you want, just not my privates please. I'm just shy of 40,
but people say I'm immature for my age, so I'd say around 29.
Hope to talk to you soon :)
Lazy Boobs
Girls: If you catch a guy staring at your boobs, a good thing to tell him is that you have 2 lazy boobs
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Taking Drugs for Science: Day 1
So today is the first Real day of my first study with De Wit Research Center at The University of Chicago. It's the closest thing I've gotten to a job since I moved to Chicago 6 weeks ago. It's pretty sweet; I get paid $200 for 4, 4 hour sessions and a 2 hour orientation. At the beginning of each session I take a Mystery Capsule (or two), that contains one of four things: Valium, an Amphetamine, Alcohol, or a placebo. I hear placebo gets you pretty fucked up. It's a double-blind study, meaning neither the researchers nor I know which of the four drugs I've taken. I decided it would be fun to write while I'm on th mystery capsules and see if the writing style or subject matter changes. I feel like I write a variety of things, so it is likely to change due to my crazy brain alone and not the capsules. I should probably go ahead and let you know that I took today's capsule about 45 minutes ago. Every half hour the researcher comes in to take my blood pressure, then I take a puzzle type test that measures my reaction time. Next I take a survey asking questions regarding my mood and how I'm felling. That all takes about 10-minutes, then I get to go back to doing whatever I want, in this case writing this and listening to my iPod on shuffle.
If I had to guess what I took today, I'd probably guess Valium or the placebo. Definately not the upper. I feel calm and relaxed. Peaceful. But sometimes I feel this way even when I'm not on drugs. Crazy huh? I've only had Valium once and it was combined with WAY too much liquor and dancing. I blacked out for a couple hours at a club downtown and woke up Sunday afternoon sprawled out on my office floor. No joke, haha. So, I'm not sure how Valium is really
supposed to feel, but probably some thing like this.
I'm back from another test, so that means I'm about +01:15 into it right now. Starting to think a little more that I got placebo. I am still very relaxed. The researcher told me that the next "test" is the big one. I guess they make me do more stuff. I hope I don't have to run on a treadmill. I am really tired, but it's very likely because I had to wake up at 6:00 this morning for this thing, so I got about 4 hours of sleep. They have a list of VHSs you can watch if you want. They have 3 copies of "The Mask." I told them I would like 2 copies of The Mask and "Adventures in Babysitting," whatever that is. Then I changed my mind and asked for "John Tess Christmas Worship." They actually have that. She knew I was kidding, but then she thought I was still joking when I asked for "10 Things I Hate About You" and "Life Is Beautiful." I wasn't joking. I don't really think I'll get to either of them though. Oh well, maybe in the next session.
If this isn't placebo-pill it's pretty lame. Not bad, just nothing too incredible. They need to find a better dealer.
I just took some of the other reaction time tests. Most of them are actually pretty fun, except for the stupid snowflake test. That's one where a small snow flake symbol appears in the middle of the screen and you click the button on the mouse as soon as you see it. It's boring and goes on too long, but the other ones are cool. I actually kinda want to do them again. I'll try to describe them. On one, either an X or an O appears on the center of the screen. If it's an X you press the Z key as quickly as possible, and if it's the O you hit the ? key as quickly as possible. The catch is that if there's a beep with the symbol you're not supposed to press anything. It's tough.
The next one's cooler. You see 4 cards at the top of the screen that look something like this:
You see one card (below these that stay at the top of the screen) at a time and you have to press the button to the card it corresponds with. It could be the shape, number of shapes, or the color of the shapes. It tells you rather you're correct or not, then goes to the next card. You have to try and figure out the pattern as quickly as possible. Then the pattern changes without telling you and you have to figure out the new pattern. So maybe you were matching shapes, now all of a sudden you'll be matching color for the next few cards. It's hard to explain, but it's really cool...well, pretty cool.
{Tanget - So the experimenter girl is pretty cool. I ended up just talking casually about sex with her. She came in and I told her I was listening to "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem" because my iPod was on shuffle. She told me she hadn't figured out how to get her audiobooks off of shuffle. "It's really bad when I'm jamming out, then some book comes on," she said.
My response: "It's worse when you're having sex and then Genesis chapter 4 starts playing. Or some weird sound effects that you downloaded for a video you were making."
I like messing with her. When I got here she asked if I was ready to take the urine sample. I told her I wasn't ready so she brought me some water and left while I took a survey. She came back and said "Let's go get the urine sample."
I said, "Oh, I already di it" and tried to hand her my insulated coffee cup with a lid on it. She wouldn't take it so I took a drink. (It didn't really have urine in it...I don't think).
I'm pretty sure she's into me.}
Ok, I'm almost out of here. One more blood-pressure test and another survey, then I'm done. I was going to tell you about the last cool reaction test that I I think I did really well on, but I realized it would be even harder to explain than the last one. I guess you'll just have to sell your body to science if you really want to find out what it is.
My next session is Monday so I'll have some more for you then!
If I had to guess what I took today, I'd probably guess Valium or the placebo. Definately not the upper. I feel calm and relaxed. Peaceful. But sometimes I feel this way even when I'm not on drugs. Crazy huh? I've only had Valium once and it was combined with WAY too much liquor and dancing. I blacked out for a couple hours at a club downtown and woke up Sunday afternoon sprawled out on my office floor. No joke, haha. So, I'm not sure how Valium is really
supposed to feel, but probably some thing like this.
I'm back from another test, so that means I'm about +01:15 into it right now. Starting to think a little more that I got placebo. I am still very relaxed. The researcher told me that the next "test" is the big one. I guess they make me do more stuff. I hope I don't have to run on a treadmill. I am really tired, but it's very likely because I had to wake up at 6:00 this morning for this thing, so I got about 4 hours of sleep. They have a list of VHSs you can watch if you want. They have 3 copies of "The Mask." I told them I would like 2 copies of The Mask and "Adventures in Babysitting," whatever that is. Then I changed my mind and asked for "John Tess Christmas Worship." They actually have that. She knew I was kidding, but then she thought I was still joking when I asked for "10 Things I Hate About You" and "Life Is Beautiful." I wasn't joking. I don't really think I'll get to either of them though. Oh well, maybe in the next session.
If this isn't placebo-pill it's pretty lame. Not bad, just nothing too incredible. They need to find a better dealer.
I just took some of the other reaction time tests. Most of them are actually pretty fun, except for the stupid snowflake test. That's one where a small snow flake symbol appears in the middle of the screen and you click the button on the mouse as soon as you see it. It's boring and goes on too long, but the other ones are cool. I actually kinda want to do them again. I'll try to describe them. On one, either an X or an O appears on the center of the screen. If it's an X you press the Z key as quickly as possible, and if it's the O you hit the ? key as quickly as possible. The catch is that if there's a beep with the symbol you're not supposed to press anything. It's tough.
The next one's cooler. You see 4 cards at the top of the screen that look something like this:
You see one card (below these that stay at the top of the screen) at a time and you have to press the button to the card it corresponds with. It could be the shape, number of shapes, or the color of the shapes. It tells you rather you're correct or not, then goes to the next card. You have to try and figure out the pattern as quickly as possible. Then the pattern changes without telling you and you have to figure out the new pattern. So maybe you were matching shapes, now all of a sudden you'll be matching color for the next few cards. It's hard to explain, but it's really cool...well, pretty cool.
{Tanget - So the experimenter girl is pretty cool. I ended up just talking casually about sex with her. She came in and I told her I was listening to "Oh Little Town of Bethlehem" because my iPod was on shuffle. She told me she hadn't figured out how to get her audiobooks off of shuffle. "It's really bad when I'm jamming out, then some book comes on," she said.
My response: "It's worse when you're having sex and then Genesis chapter 4 starts playing. Or some weird sound effects that you downloaded for a video you were making."
I like messing with her. When I got here she asked if I was ready to take the urine sample. I told her I wasn't ready so she brought me some water and left while I took a survey. She came back and said "Let's go get the urine sample."
I said, "Oh, I already di it" and tried to hand her my insulated coffee cup with a lid on it. She wouldn't take it so I took a drink. (It didn't really have urine in it...I don't think).
I'm pretty sure she's into me.}
Ok, I'm almost out of here. One more blood-pressure test and another survey, then I'm done. I was going to tell you about the last cool reaction test that I I think I did really well on, but I realized it would be even harder to explain than the last one. I guess you'll just have to sell your body to science if you really want to find out what it is.
My next session is Monday so I'll have some more for you then!
Lazy Eyes
Guys: If a girl catches you staring at her boobs, a good thing to tell her is that you have 2 lazy eyes
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