Being Gay Is Now Cooler Than Ever

By Rusty Rutherford

National Coming Out Day was originally created as an internationally-observed civil awareness day for coming out and discussion about lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) issues. But some liberal-extremists, or super-gays as they’re known among their queers, are taking what even many liberals consider to be over-the-top actions.

On July 24th this past summer, a group of nearly two-dozen super-gays showed up outside of the outdoor wedding of Tina and Richard Conoly of Tucson Arizona. The group was boasting signs with bold messages such as “Obama Hates Straights” and “Heteros Caused Dancing With The Stars.” Neither Mr. nor Mrs. Conoly could be reached for an interview, but we did manage to get a few words from the father of the groom.

“What [the super-gays] did at my son’s wedding was very under appropriate and disrespectable,” Gene Conoly claims. “It was a very difficult day for my son, knowing from that moment on he could never sleep with another woman again with ease. He did not need the added pressure of the left wingers.”

Gene’s wife put her hands on her hips and shook here head back and forth with pouted lips.

Illinois Democrat Susun Patters agrees that the wedding fiasco was too much. “These people claiming to be Liberals are giving a bad name to all the other Liberals out there. Although I don’t necessarily agree with heterosexuality, saying Obama hates all straights is going a bit too far. Barack Obama loves all minorities equally.”

The straight-bashing attacks aren’t only happening to adults. Many students, some as young as eight, are being teased and peer-pressured, even within the loving arms of public schools.

“They called me names like straight-lord and boob lover,” fourth grader Michael Armstrong admits through teary eyes. “One kid told me to go back to Mexico.” When asked if he was from Mexico, Armstrong replied “No, but there’s supposed to be a lot of straight people there.”

Nevin Platt Middle School 8th grader Philip Santana came out of the closest last year on National Coming Out Day, even though he did not feel he was attracted to the same sex.

“The popular gay kids told me if I didn’t come out of the closet they wouldn’t play pogs with me,” Santana stammered with a forced lisp. “I’m not really sure what pogs are, but I think they might be the next big thing. I don’t want to miss out on the next Internet just because I’m a stiff-wrist.”

Only time will tell if the recent gay trend will continue to grow in popularity even through the rough economy.